i am not a big smoker, at least not after 2018 when i consumed not just too much weed but unhealthy food. in the late evenings of friday, january twenty, sixth i finally resumed my 388 days weed break. tonight i am smoking a joint i got from a fellow artist i trust 

(yes, i know, i don’t have friends, and i am careful who i borrow from)

the last few days, I’ve sensed this strong yearning feeling of wanting to smoke so badly. this feeling, whatever it is is affecting my productivity and mood generally. As a result, I haven’t been able to do any work in the past four or so days. Instead, I’ve spent much time processing all the deadlines I must beat. 

(re: smoking a joint I got from a fellow artist)

i wanted to control it and have my way, so after the shower, I rolled one, put the main corridor lights off, and conversed with it. it was a good 36 mins well spent outside walking, listening, smelling, and processing. 

the first few hits felt like it, right there, and then i realised how much i've missed it. it took me some time to fall for it, but it felt good. i  finished it in less than an hour, sketched a few ideas, and went straight to bed 

in bed, i hoped for a sign

i guess it's a sign of him, but the dream world doesn’t work like that. i felt him, but my eyes; 

those extensive round eyeballs couldn't grasp, him. 

feb. 3rd is a few days away, i don’t know how i feel, but the thoughts of my annual ritualistic performance remind me that i miss you, dafliso 

you were flawed, but you were the kindest i’ve ever known